Okay, Here Goes....

I have been thinking and "praying" about the blogs that women respond to....

Ladies!  Are there many man bloggers????  okay.  There are.  Lots.

but they are on the other side of the room.

Blogging is now the new community.  Isn't it?  Am I wrong?

I don't twitter.  I'm thinking I'm way behind on doing that.  But I get the impression that it's brief facts.  I want stories.  Lengths of time.  I want to know what's on your heart. Bottom line.

So - my favorite blogs are those that share their most vulnerable stories....and I'm blessed by their honesty.  I'm blessed by their failures.  I'm blessed by their weaknesses.

Please tell me that means I'm not a Pharisee.  I feel like a Pharisee.  I'm sorry.

Noone wants to be that person, the dreaded PHARISEE......

I think I'm a mixture.

But see?  The fact that I'm talking in "churchese" - well, it's a dead givaway - and if you understand my language - well - then you might be a mixture, too.  Probably if you're totally opposed to the world of blogging, well, you might be Pharisee-ish.  And you won't even be reading this.  So it doesn't matter.

Okay - I continue to see that few my age are blogging.  Only a few.  It's young moms, fresh out of failures and raising their children now, with husbands who have to deal with the aftermath of their wives' failures.  I'm good with that.  That's how I went into marriage.  Gargantuan failures, and God's grace reached down, scooped me up and there I was with a committed, loving, faithful husband and 4 unbelievably beautiful and healthy and smart  daughters to raise.  Go figure.  It's God's grace and compassion that we never can grasp.

So..... with that I continued to fail in different ways.  My on again, off again, depression showed up while I had Ann and Laura Beth, not Kate and Sarah, (but truly, Kate and Sarah experienced the brunt of my imbalances).  It showed up, the depression,  and hung around for such a long time that Charlie had me seeing a Psychiatrist.  Also, as a mom, I yelled a lot.  I had anger from who knows where.  I yelled loud when I felt "backed in a corner".

The most I ever wanted to be was a mom and an artist.  I thought about being a mom when I was a small child.  I remember where I was, thinking about my future children.  I was in my parents' car, in the backseat, short enough to stand up - because I was standing up - looking out the back window of the car while one of the parents ran into the post office.  I had the thought, "Someday I'll be a Mother."  I tried to imagine my children, but they were vague foggy images in my mind.  I couldn't imagine what they would be like.  I literally can still see those images I had in my mind.  I can see that moment, in my mind, I can see it........ and, I began my art identity in the first grade.  I don't remember it before that.  And I don't know of not having it after that.  (and here's the ultimate failure, I've done very little with the 'art thing' - but I blow my artist horn really loud)

So - what is this post about?  Well, any questions?  The shocking honesty some of you have, well, it's refreshing.  I'm all about transparency - but good grief!!  There was no blogging when I was raising my girls.  There was no community.... not really.  It was a new world of "have only 2 children" and get on with your life.  I wanted 6 and had to stop at 4 due to age and c-sections.  And my local church was no place to take my bouts with depression and anger.  Not in 1983/84.  but God was always there.  always faithful.  always the deliverer.

So - after this many years of "keep my mouth shut" but wanting to "be transparent"....well, it's tough.

I don't think I'm up to it on a blog.  Come to my house.  We'll have coffee or "whatever"  in the afternoon - and we'll talk.  I'll listen.  God is insanely faithful - to the max - to "infinity and beyond"(as Buzz Lightyear says).  He's carried me through so much and loves me, loves me, and blesses.  He's the deliverer.  He's the Hero.   The one who brings us out of darkness into light.  Yay!  I'm so glad and so grateful.

Here's the rub - we want heroes.  Those who've done it right always.  Don't we?  And we want failures. Non heroes with whom we can identify.  That's human nature.  Do  you agree?  God remains the true hero  -  and if any person wears that title - then it's God in him.  I think.  Or God ordained.